I had a moment on Sunday when I saw the future through the lens of the past. Through a shaky, blurry video camera, I saw God bring together pieces of my life. Sad pieces joined with good pieces coming into view in a larger scope – like a wide-angled lens bringing some clarity to my present.
It all started when I decided to clean my bookshelves in my living room. Little did I know at the time that it would be the cobwebs in my mind that would get knocked down. I began organizing and the first few videos went rather quickly. Then I came to a stack that had no titles. I sat down to stick them in the VCR and view a couple minutes so I could determine their destiny – a label showing the content or a toss into the trash.
The first video was “Naomi” moments…singing at church when she was five, piano recitals at eight and nine. The next was “The Amazing Journey of Iysh”. It was the school musical she performed in during junior year. It was during this video that I felt the stirring begin. I didn’t know exactly what it was yet but there was a “thread” that I picked up as I was remembering all of the arts that we were a part of in this school. I didn’t realize that the thread was “connected” and would start to weave the picture that would become an “aha” moment that God wanted to share with me.
You see – I have lived through some painful years. Years that changed me. Years that made me sad and angry and numb. I shut down. I crawled into an armor that rattled my bones. God brought me through. I survived by His grace and the love of His people. Yet I survived with wounds that seemed like they would never heal. On Sunday, while holding on to that connecting thread, I saw that the wounds which brought scars also left beauty in exchange for ashes.
Laying those first videos aside, I started watching another. This was the Spring concert at the elementary/middle school where I worked. It was in the same building as the high school where my daughter attended. It was during this video that God began tugging on that thread like a fisherman tugs at his line. It was gentle at first and then some strong tugs to get my attention. It was as if I could hear His whispers…”Do you see what I see? Do you?”
Up until that moment, this particular video represented the pain. We had left Nashville and a long career of songwriting there to start over. The journey was not what we had hoped. We never attended this concert because my ex-husband, who was the music teacher, was "let go" just a few short weeks before it took place. So this concert has been sitting on my shelf for ten years. I have attempted to watch it before but the redeeming value always fell into the gaping holes of my hurt and got swallowed up.
But Sunday I watched. The first thing that I noticed was the joy on the faces of the students. Many of these kids had not wanted to sing or perform – especially the middle school students. They had other agendas and this was “cramping their style”. But Geoff had worked hard to make it fun for them. He chose songs for each grade that “fit” the culture and interests of the class. And it was obvious as they sang. It was important to connect – to build a bridge which allowed those students to be a part of the process.
What I saw next were the faces of the “trouble-makers”.You see, my role in the school was assistant to the principal. So these were the students who sat in my office day after day. But I didn’t see the “trouble”they caused. I saw the “trouble” they lived. I spent those hours in my office figuring out how to teach those students to move past the labels and the reasons they were like they were. We talked together. We worked together. And we prayed together until God showed us what we could do differently. Together we learned that the past ended a second ago and that He is the God of second chances. He had a purpose for these “outcasts”. He saw their intrinsic value in the beauty of the bigger picture. Those kids were my heart. They gave me purpose.
The next revelation surprised me. When the camera pulled back I saw the sea of color on the palette of the stage. I never noticed it in the moments of working there at the school. Perhaps it wasn’t important to me then. Perhaps God was not ready to show me the places He was going to take me in years to come. But the thread that I hold in my hands today as I work and align myself with a multi-cultural worship ministry in Georgia, winds its way back through this piece of my history on that stage in New York. They were standing there – Native American, Italian, Ethiopian, Cuban, Caucasian, African-American, Puerto Rican, and Filipino – all distinct, beautiful faces in the tapestry of my life. Funny how God lays groundwork that we do not see in the moment but that is needed down the road. Thus, my journey continues.
The last moments of the video captured a solo by a young man who had won my heart. I have to admit…it was not my decision to put him on the stage. I remember the day Geoff and I auditioned students to be on the chapel worship team. This young man came into the room shaking. He sang. He stopped. He stuttered. He started again and stopped again. He did not hold a pitch and I was ready to dismiss him. But Geoff wrote his name on the roster. Later I asked him why and all he said was – “you’ll see. He’s got it in there.”
And this concert was his shining moment. A moment Geoff never got to see. As the whole student body gathered around him on the stage, he began to sing and the room was hushed. The rest of the students came in on the choruses and lifted the song even higher. And as they finished, the microphone on the camera captured the sentiments of the room. “Wow.” “Wow.” “Wow.” For in the months that followed those auditions, I watched the teacher with the student. He taught him to listen. He taught him to work. He helped him dig beyond the passion to the purpose. And I too learned during that process. I learned to look more deeply into the soul. I learned to try to see what God sees. I learned how to mentor.
In each of these moments that God highlighted for me I saw elements of where He has me now. I am learning to build bridges. I am reminding people that their pasts can be redeemed for God's glory. And I am taking time to listen and love and encourage the ones God brings across my path.
So as the camera faded to gray, I found the thread that I held to so tightly was wrapped around my heart. God was reminding me that He had held me then and that He still was. He reminded me that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
(Romans 8:28)
We don’t always get to see the story of our pain redeemed. I am grateful for the glimpse I got in my living room on Sunday.
© September 10, 2012